Rhapsody in Black

Designed to Make You Feel Like the Sane One

Saturday, November 13, 2004

What Was I Thinking?
I had a lazy day. Today I spent the day in my pyjammas and cleaned, actually gutted out my room. I put my hair up in a greasy ponytail and sprayed some gross La Senza perfume on so that I wouldn't offend the others. My mascara from the night before decided to place itself just slightly under my eyes (dumb move, I decided to wear waterproof mascara the day before because I knew I'd be bawling my eyes out- counldn't scrub it off my face last night). I looked beat up. Some of my mother's friends decided to show up at the house today. As I walk downstairs in a tank top and pj bottoms I am greated with a funny look and friendly hello from one of my mother's closest friends. That poor woman. Honestly I feel bad for her. She may need therapy after seeing me in this condition.
My room has been gutted. Every note, every letter recieved before 2001 has been trashed. Every picture has been sealed in a photo album. Every memory stashed in a new organized place. My closet is now considered a walk in closet rather than an open and run quickly away closet. If you have ever been in my room you will know it is a total reflection of me. It reveals my soul and everything I live for. All of my framed pictures have been neatly rearranged and my library alphabeticalized. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.
I went back to work last night to pick up my last pay cheque and hand in my swipe card. I sat and talked to a few of my closest work friends for a bit. It was one of the hardest things having to say good bye. This one ladt in particular I have gotten to know quite well. We would go on power walks during our lunch breaks. She called me her daughter; she only had a son. She cried when I left, I tried to hold in my tears, just so that I could be strong. My eyes just filled, but it didn't spill over. I hugged her and she wouldn't let go, she kissed my forehead, held my arm, kissed my cheek and then my hand. I wondered what was going through her mind, I have never seen her like that before. I touched her nose and told her I loved her. I went on to say good bye to Mel, my beloved work twin. The poor girl is so spastic, we get along so well. I even convinced her to hug me. Not that I am creepy or anything, she just never hugs anyone. I will most definitely be seeing her often. Saying good bye to Dee was almost the hardest thing. In that moment, all the tears I had been holding back suddenly spilled, I felt choked and I shook. I thought of moments I spent talking to Shar, and hearing what she had been through. I tried to catch my breath but the emotion overtook me. I put my head in my hands and wept. Reality had finally set in and my heart bled. I had to grip my thumb with my teeth to catch a steady breath. Holding Dee's hand I said I would walk through this with her to the end. She has no idea what is instore for her. Can anyone? She looked terrified, and gripped my hand tighter. I want to know why? I have questions and I am demanding answers. I want to know why things happen? Why innocent families have to be torn apart because of disease? Why we have to live with the hours after? Why we have to live with the terrifying minutes just before?
I have never lost a close family member in death, friends yes. I don't know how to articulate anything that would bring comfort or hope to those who do suffer. Unfortunate is the nicest way I can put it. it is unfortunate that Dee has to go through this. It is unfortunate that families have to deal with the hours. It is unfortunate that I am ignorant, and can't say anything else.
Four years of a developed companionship with some of the warmest people, and to say good bye on these terms? why?
Months of agonizing pain, and in one instant in the arms of Jesus? How can they cope?
I wish I had more to say, I wish I was in the position to help in a greater capacity. I wish I had to ability to answer the hard questions, ease the unbearable pain, soothe until calm. I wish the nightmare of cancer would cease and desist. I wish my friend hadn't suffered so greatly. I wish Dee wouldn't have to face this next year the way she will have to. What do I do? What can I say?

Friday, November 12, 2004

Just a thought: why fight when you know you are going to lose. This in the context of: why take someone to court without a lawyer when you know you are in the wrong and going to lose the battle. This boggles me, yet still people do it.
I endured my last day of work last night. It was pleasant. I was trying to get myself fired. I thought it would be funny seeing as I have an almost perfect track record (meaning I get 99% on all of my Quality Monitors. No such luck though. It was really nice saying good bye to people, saying things that I wanted them to hear. One unpleasant thing though, my friend, a lady who I call momma decided to announce that she has pancreas cancer. There is really nothing they can do to remove it, seeing as the pancreas is a major part of our anatomy. She also has to have part of her stomach removed. Why do I hate cancer? Why do I hate seeing disease rip families apart? This ending of a four year journey with people who became my friends ended very sadly. I was glad to be out of there, but knowing my "momma" has to suffer. This really sucks. I don't know how to articulate my feelings on this. Her name is Dee, she is unsaved. Please please pray for her. A plus to my not having to work at this place is now I don't have to see this one really creepy woman. Woot woot :) I feel sorry for her because I think she is in need of psychiatric help. She isn't normal, which is sad. Anyways, I never have to see her again. *big sigh of relief*
I really have nothing interesting to blog about today, I have a lot of stuff to process in my head.
Maybe I will just leave you with some answers that need questions:
1. Because in order for it to be that way, one must get the whole bundle package before it can be that way.
2. Well then just don't answer the door
3. forty -five
4. I have other things to do then that.
5. Just laugh at him
6. No because the golgi complex is in the way and it interferes and you can't bypass it in that particular fashion.

Enjoy, making up questions for these answers. Don't strain yourselves.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Mae West, Strawberry Cheesecake Iced Chai Lattes and Little Black Books
My day at work today was rather interesting. I enjoy watching people so this job provides me with hours of people watching bliss. Today this lady shared the cutest story ever. This woman was a doll, she was saying how the Dollar Store across the way had closed and how she didn't even think one could buy things for a dollar any more. She said that when she was a little girl she saved up all her pennies to buy a Mae West Rinestone Bracelet. She was so excited to buy this because she wanted to look like Ms. West, but when she purchased the bracelet her half sister stole it from her. This was by far the cutest work story I have heard there yet.
I also made something weird today: A Strawberry Cheesecake Iced Chai. Iced Chai with Peach or Vanilla flavouring I can handle, but Strawberry Cheesecake? How rare?!
I have decided not to talk about Little Black Books. I share one with someone, I don't feel like posting on it right now :)
Tomorrow is my last day working for the MCI company. Am I sad? not at all. I am so thrilled to be getting out of there. I think I am going to throw myself a party. It will be nice to just sit back and relax for a little while. I will miss the nice pay cheque, but time is by far more important to me then money. I can handle this.
Anyways, I have nothing really to say. Things are going. I missed Margaret Atwood today, what I wouldn't give to see my favourite author do a reading in Burlington. Upsetting, very upsetting.
My house has been filled with music for the past week, not a moment of silence. This is supposed to create a peaceful atmosphere, this obviously depends on what is playing. I cannot relax to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. This is my favourite besides Pachelbel's Canon in D. I just feel like moving. Four Seasons doesn't put my mind at ease. Anyways, there is constant noise here.
I need to stop. This post is going nowhere important, and I need to close my eyes. I wish I felt like writing about happy things. I don't. I'm sorry.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Today I remember. Today I pray. Today it snowed and I laughed. I laughed because I rememebered, and when I remembered I prayed. To those of y ou who faithfully read this blog you may have come familiar with Shar, she left comments, she teased me every chance she got. She talked often of how we were going to be roomies in the mountains in Tibet (me as a goat). Shar is now dancing with the angels, she has found her peace, she is resting in the arms of Jesus. It snowed for the first time this year, today. I laughed because I dispise snow so much but it was a beautiful reminder of the times I shared with my beautiful friend. It seemed we always found ourselves cold and needing more blankets to keep warm, and talking about Tibet kept us shivering all the more. I bought my first pair of mittens this season today, they are pink, they match my hat that I bought in rememberance of her. Proceeds went to the Breast Cancer society, so I jumped at the chance to be able to support. I came home tonight and weeped. As I was sitting with my thoughts there was a song playing gently in the back ground, it captured my attention for a brief stanza. I need to share this, it is so perfect for this situation.
Carried Me:
Jesus you have carried me
When I could not stand
Jesus you have carried me

It's all been part of your plan

Jesus you have carried me
It's your footprints in the sand
Jesus you have carried me
It was always in your hands

My heart breaks once again for a family so loving, so caring. Shar's family. I weep with them in their loss, I rejoice remembering her humour, her ability to forget herself and help others, her desire to love. Sometimes words are not enough, and I find myself struggling to put together a thought, so often I feel like this. There is nothing I can say that will make any of this easier. I just pray strength and peace, for you her dear family, for you her dear friends, and anyone who reads this who has ever been touched by such a kind spirit. I know that this Little Lady's legacy will forever remain vivid in my heart, her life a living testimony of true servanthood, true love, strong courage and fight...it has changed me. It has moved me in such a way, that I will carry this forever.
I sent Shar a song, maybe a month or so ago titled 'Fly' a few lines read: going up to new places, new atmospheres, fly, fly. Today, this song...this song makes me smile.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

*Pre Post Note: this has nothing to do with any of you who read this. It is about my "friend" and her sister tha go to my church.*
I did the stupidest thing today. I told someone something. See, usually I just keep my mouth shut and all is well. My private thoughts are kept private. Apparently I felt like saying something to the wrong person today. I have no idea what got into me. I have this personal thought, on this personal issue, no big deal right? Well, I ended up saying this thought to my "friend's" sister. STUPID MOVE. If you want something to be publicized you tell any one of the members of this family. If you want to keep something secret, don't bother saying anything to them. (Note to self: don't give them your blog address). Anyways, now I feel loke a complete idiot. This thing that I told them...is SO personal. Can someone kick me? Oh and while you are kicking me, remind me never to share my personal thoughts, desires, cravings, shoe size, or any of the like...to anyone. Anyways, lets try to forget that and hope it doesn't turn into a crazy nightmare. I know I will laugh at it in a few years, maybe.
This weekend has been difficult. Sleep has abused me. I can't seem to close my eyes and just relax and sleep. My attention and thoughts have been elsewhere. It's really hard to share. I have been involved in a confrence all weekend, a confrence that took place in a very cold building I might add. Being on the worship team means that I have to be at every single meeting. I don't mind, I just wish I was more alert, and it didn't have to take place this weekend. I enjoyed the time I shared with other members of the ministry team. It's been great, it really has.
There is a lot more I want to share, I just don't want to share it right now. Sometimes I just don't have the words to say. Sometimes what I want to say makes my heart ache so much. Sometimes it is good to embrace the silence. Anything you want to share, feel free.