Rhapsody in Black

Designed to Make You Feel Like the Sane One

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Song of the ages
Continuous symphony
Breathe new life.
Sing over us once again
Your melodious ballad
Unchanging orchestration
Is it all inside my head?
Repititous hallelujahs
The chorus of angels
Turn noise inside into
A beautiful song.
The lulling assonance
In its interchanging internal indifference
In air an aria flies
Sing over us once again.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Just Tears
Silent tears are streaming down my face today. I think it is because I just had one final conversation with a woman who has touched me in a way that she should have never. A woman that in her own weakness, gave me the strength to fight. Through out our whole knowing each other we shared intimate details of our lives. She shared with me of her family and her sickness, I shared of my family and my eating disorder. At first we decided to be accountable to each other for the food we ate. I drank countless cans of Ensure (French Vanilla) which still tasted like tin. She said tin was good seeing as I wanted to move to Tibet, Goats like tin; thus dubbing me with the nick name Goat Girl (or GG). We had funny conversations about each day. One Wednesday I remember I said Happy Hump Day and she burst out laughing. She told me that she had been in the car with her husband and daughter and they heard on the radio someone call in and say something about 'bumpin' uglies' at which she needed explanation. She said her poor daughter spit her milk all over the car laughing, embarrassed that she had to explain this phrase to HER MOTHER. We talked about pee, I realized that when one eats beets their pee turns red. She thought it was funny, but later that evening exclaimed that she had not eaten beets that afternoon and ended up having pink pee. She asked her sister to confirm this, and it turns out it was the toilet bowl freshener. We had a good laugh.
We talked about family, intimte moments with our loved ones, she shared her fears, why she thought this had happened to her, and she often said how much she loved her family. I fell inlove with her, she fascinated me with her desire to help everyone anywhere.
Hearing her laugh, hearing her voice just a few days ago brought tears to my eyes. I realized in that moment, like I said a few blogs previous, that one can never know the depth of which another suffers. One can never give enough. I know that night hours were especially hard for her, she told me, and I decided that if I could help in any way, I would. I stayed up, I left my computer on, often times I fell asleep at the computer desk. I just wanted to help, and at times I thought I had failed. I thought I had failed this beautiful woman who has given her life for other people. I told her that, and she said No, GG don't ever think that. But I knew I had nothing left.
If you are one of her family members, or any of her closest friends reading this, thank you for sharing such a beautiful soul with the world. Thank you for letting me spend time with her at insane hours of the night.. Thank you for letting me hear her laugh and say GG. Those moments I will hold dear to my heart.
She made me realize what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. She assured me that my medical leave from University had a reason, and maybe that reason was that I am not supposed to be doing what I originally planned. She told me that God has other plans, which sometimes we don't know until we are vulnerable.
Our last conversations were very difficult ones, difficult for her to type and difficult for me to read. She talked about her trip to "her ocean" and how she enjoyed watching her family browse through the book store, and a moment when a cell phone started to ring and 11 people were checking their pockets and purses to see if it was theirs. She sent me a picture of the moon in the day light and said it reminded her of me, I was touched. She said that her family didn't think she would want to go to the ocean, but she did want to go.
She told me that she made her family angry, and she felt horrible for it. Our last, or what I believe to be our last conversation yesterday afternoon was precious. She told me who she talks to, who she sees, and for how long this had been going on for. She kept saying how she can't tell anyone or they would think she was crazy. I tried to assure her that she wasn't crazy and that everything was normal. My heart aches for a husband who loves this woman so much, it aches for a daughter who loves this woman so much, for a sister who has spent her whole life beside this woman, for her friends that care so deeply.
I have given all I could, I hope that it helped. I don't know. My prayers are with her, as always. There are things I want to share, but not on this blog. Thank you Shar, for everything. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and fears. Je t'adore Little Lady, je t'adore.

There you are
Questions filling your mind
Reality hits you
As emotions unwind
I know sometimes It's so hard to understand
Trust me when I tell you
I'm in better hands
'Cause I'm dancing with the angels
I'm walking in new life
It's like nothing you've ever seen
With the angles
Such beauty fills my eyes
Now that I'm dancing with the angels
Quite whispers of how it used to be
You say, How can anyone
Ever take that from me?
We live in a falling world
We cannot deny
But just wait until you see
What I see in my eyes
Only here for such a short time
So stand up, shout out
Sing hallelujah For one day, you'll see me again
And we'll be dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
Like nothing you've ever seen
With the angels
With the angels yeah
With the angels

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Pre Post: My brother shared a few things with me tonight. I wanted ya'll to see for yourself. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/burgerking.html

Deep Breath
The sky is grey and the ground is wet. This is great because rain during this season means that snow is far away. I was pulling into my driveway last night after work and I saw the cutest thing. There was a pile of raked leaves to one side of my house and in this pile of leaves was a cute orange cat just resting. This cat often comes on our deck and sits waiting for us to feed him. We named him muffin, he is homeless. It was nice to see him resting in the leaves. It made me remember the times I had as a kid just playing in the October leaves at my old house, with my siblings. We would whip walnuts at squirrels, not full walnts just the pieces and I was never strong enough to actually hit one (well, maybe a few times.) I remember getting hit on the head a few times by walnuts. The squirrels would jump from limb to limb knocking down loose walnuts on their way.
Tonight I will turn the fireplace on. I get off work early so I think I am just going to come home, make hot apple cider and sit by the fire place with a good book, a nice blanket and maybe my mother. It'll be nice to just sit and enjoy the moment. I can't wait for the break. I wont write any lists (what I have to buy, which forms I need to put in the mail, to do list for tomorrow.) Just relax.
My sister came to work with me yesterday. It was fun, we actually...now...hold on cause this will shock you...we actually got along. We talked about her new phone, took a few pictures with it, ate candy and just hung out. I taught her how to make a latte and we laughed at some woman who tried to tell us how to make hers. Hanging out with my sister made me feel like a teenager again. It's been so long! I am so serious to, when I was younger I was just not a teenager. I think I will hang out with my sister more often, I find she helps me stay young and not so serious. We have our good moments. Usually in the car. She will put on some radio station and if I act totally crazy, it'll get her laughing and then we will both laugh. It's good. Any sort of good that happens between her and I is special, it doesn't happen to often. I think we are making progress.
Oh before I forget, does anyone know how to post videos on blogs?

Monday, November 01, 2004

Over the past while I have been sick. Spinning one might say, and todays dosage of ibuprophen didn't help the standing up without feeling dizzy factor. I would like to crawl in a hole and just lay there for a very long time. Have you ever had those days? weeks? months? I'm pretty sure you have. (note to Dr. Phil, this isn't your cue to give me your theory crap, so just lay off.) Today I was driving, which I shouldn't have been doing considering my mental state and the fact that I haven't gotten my new glasses yet (so my vision is off) but I started to hum a song. I haven't heard it for a very long time, but it popped into my head and it brought me a lot of comfort. I don't know what you are going though. I know what some of you are going through to a certain degree, but I just want you to read, sing, hum or think this song. If you can't sing, hum or even think right now get someone to sing it for you (if that doesn't work, call me and I will sing it for you.) It is just so comforting.

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign.
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

I love Thee because Thou has first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree.
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

I 'll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

...take comfort in those words, take comfort in the fact that even though you may hate yourself, you maybe be upset with whatever circumstances life has given you Jesus is your source. Everything is covered under his blood. If you have a need today, I encourage you to share it, if you feel comfortable. Just leave a message in my comment box. If you need someone to pray, I will pray with you.