It's As Though...
I can't write. When I sit to write an essay for school there is this faucet like happening that takes place in my mind. Stream of consciousness is probably a good term to describe it, and no I do not have ADD by the way. My thoughts don't stop until my paper is finished and I have typed twenty or more pages, usually gibberish (until proof read). During this outpouring I go into a sort of writers trance, I am oblivious to things around me, I can't focus on anything but what I am writing on. The feeling, if I can give you an image, is like holding your breath as you are tossed about in the ocean. Like the body, being tossed about gasping for air, so are my thoughts, trying to stop. This is a very welcoming feeling for me, it lets me know that I am normal, I can still write. This isn't happening for me anymore. I tried to keep myself occupied at the coffee shop the other day, so I got out my favourite pen and notebook and just penned out words, thoughts, phrases that came to mind; thingsthat would spark that normal feeling that I once had. A few words I jotted down are: pedestrian socialist collectiveness, piercingly chilly, bombastic, sub-surrealist melancholy, stripped esthetics-all words that stamped themselves into my memory as I read this certain novel.
I'm going out onto a crazy limb here in asking if it is ok to want to die, without being classified as insane or suicidal? I know, that is empty and shallow of me, inane perhaps. I am not a psychopath by any means, so please don't get any ideas. I am very tired, alittle weak, frusterated maybe, I don't know. What this world has to offer does not bring me satisfaction any longer. I have no want to continue, no desire. This all sounds berserk, I know. I'd rather have Jesus, than silver or gold. Please don't say "this too shall pass" "oh don't worry, the grass is greener on the other side" I don't want to hear it. This unsatsfaction will never pass, this desire to have all of Jesus won't diminish until I am with Him. This sin that I have carried with me for 10 years, will be there forever, my desire to live in a mountain cave in Tibet will never happen unless I magically turn into a goat.
It's ok though. Everyone has these days right? These winter seasons?

Doped Up and Strung Out
~This week has been interesting so far. Interesting as in- why don't we just forget it ever happened and move on.
~Listening to disco music really loudly, really late at night makes you wake up feeling sick (disco fever, perhaps? my head is like a disco inferno, no worries, I will survive)
~slept on my mother's bedroom floor last night (I was having a rough night). Somehow I find that sleeping near my mother is very comforting.
~not sure what is worse-going down hill or climbing up hill.
~pray for my brother's girlfriend, if you feel like it. Her grandmother died yesterday.
~I was searching for mountanous Tibetan real estate online earlier today. Apparently if I want to live in a mountain I have to be a goat or Buddhist. What is this world coming to?
~I overuse the word "meh" therefore making myself seem uninterested. If I have ever used that word in conversation with you, and you felt ignored, snubbed, whatever, I apologize.
~Is it stupid to read the same book eight times?
~purchased and fell inlove with a new perfume Roots Spirit.
~i need to put oil in my car, don't let me forget.
~I came across a blog of someone who attends Redeemer. He is blogging installments of Spiritual Laundry. I am very impressed with his openness and desire to purify Himself in Christ. There comes a point in life when we become unsatisfied with how things have turned out. We make mistakes, sin (a lot) and stray away from God. This student is very open about his sins, and willingness to give it all to God. His honesty is encouraging. I could never be that open about my secret sins and mistakes. They are just nothing I would care to share with my whole school and some of the teaching faculty...:P Anyways, I was impressed.

"...take me home, I'm through fighting this..."

Sarah
Sarah, you left a comment on my last blog entry. Thanks. Here is a response since I can't seem to respond to you using my comment system...weird:

I knew it was you just by the way it sounded, it was typical Sarah hyperness...:) yeah we do have to do something sometime: climb trees, go sailing, eat tacos, grate cheese, throw maple keys in the air, drink Five Alive, share a chocolate bar, comb each others hair, visit a sperm donor clinic, translate the Bible into Cockney, cut out paper dolls, sing Oklahoma until we pass out, rent the Taj Mahal for a night and make a movie, swim in a vat of Oil of Olay, we could go camping and when we wake from our exhaustion enduced slumber we can sit on the beach in parkas and half chairs yelling (at the people having a good time with their families) that "THE WINTER IS COMING AND YOU DON'T LOOK DRESSED THE PART", and after when we become roomates in the "infamous" rubber room we can play freeze tag and be on the same team only tagging others that come in. We could perhaps also redo Meowmix commercials, call an escort service and go window shopping, we could go for the best two out of three in a bar fight, dance to Funkytown in the middle of the quad at Redeemer, go to an "R" rated movie and laugh really really loudly at all the bad scenes, like prepubescent teens, we can eat candy by 3's, we could go to TIm Horton's for coffee, or we could go to Swiss Chalet and demand that they make us prok chops (and tofu for me). BUt Sarah, the choice is ultimately up to you :) I miss you and that is what matters.

Oh and by the way, I figured out how to put a tag board on this thing. My computer skills are getting better...Philmont, you'd be soo proud of me :P

A Nice Break
I had a nice weekend. Niagara Falls was superb, and the weather was absolutely perfect, although at one point it did get alittle hot. We took one of those 'Journey Behind the Falls' tours and had to wear these ugly yellow rain coat things. We went out onto the deck which is really close to the falls and I got soaking wet, and I was wearing white, yeah not so good :( Fortunately I had my favourite Old Navy Hoodie (that Aaron bought me), it covered me until I dried off. Niagara Falls just gets better and better whenever I go, I never get sick of it, even though I live so close to it and see it so often. My only disappointment was the candy shop; it used to be so big and filled with tons of old and newer candy, now it just has fudge (however, I could be thinking about the Canada's Wonderland Candy shop...I forget where it was now...) and I don't like fudge.
Sunday was Karlie's birthday, we recouperated from having a house full of 15 and 16 year old people (crazy times). It was fun though, the energy and creativeness that teens possess these days is super cool. I wish I was that young again :P
Anyways, that's is all from me. I have a lot of cleaning to do.
A little list before I go:
~I love disco music
~this weekend I learned how to disco dance, watch out...when Y.M.C.A starts playing.
~I want to buy the newer Avril Lavigne cd (plus a bunch of disco cd's)
~nestea made with green tea is now my favourite
~I made perogies for the second time, and they were much better tasting, I am on a roll
~saw lots of movies this weekend (Papparazzi-in theatres), 50 First Dates, The Punisher, Zoolander (I am a good Eugooglizer...good times)
~Laughed my butt off at this movie quote: Hip...hip...hip hop anonymous..You GIVE HIM ALL THE EASY ONES!!! (taken from Big Daddy)
~slept in until 9 o'clock (felt good)
"wonderful, so wonderful is your unfailing love...beautiful one I love, beautiful one I adore, beautifuol one my heart longs for"