Rhapsody in Black

Designed to Make You Feel Like the Sane One

Friday, June 18, 2004

Ok, so picture this: I am going camping (insert laughter here). I am leaving my high maintenance life for a weekend of roughing it in a tent. Please, hold your laughter in, I can here you. It is pretty funny I guess. I mean I am sort of a prissy girl (a named bestowed upon me by none other than the infamous Fitz). I went out today and bought some camping clothes. My summer outfits consisted of Mary Jane's and dressy capris and little blouses. I figure that it wouldn't be fitting to wear such garments when I am going to be living in cloth house infested with little bugs and scorching heat. I realy don't know how I am going to do this. I need your prayer even more so now.

In other news, when did teenage hood become so highly dramatic? My sister was asking me for the computer and instead of saying "hey can I use the computer for a sec.?" It was more like " I NEED the computer my friend WANTS me on BADLY, so can you get off NOW????" I say, "as if" and think to myself, when did I become legally blonde. Anyways, life is not normal for a 15 year old. Not now anyways. I am 22 and consider myself to have a good knowlege and understanding of growing up, and how the teenage psyche works. I grew up once. My hormones were out of wack once. I felt like crying and laughing in a matter of seconds and everything was black or white. Now I realize how hard it was to live with myself, as I am living with my sister. Sometimes in my grown up angst I want to kick her. She gets into these little "I am so selfish and no one else matters" fits. It drives me silently crazy. My mother is so calm and collected "it's just a phase. Don't you remember how mouthy and hormonal you were at that age." I seem to be in denial at this age. This to shall pass. I know I know, but tell that to me after I haven't spent a month telling my sister not to wear my clothes everyday (and the funny thing about this is ...or should I say things, is that she wears a uniform to school, and she is a punk, constantly making fun of my preppy attire). I don't understand. And have I mentioned the way she treats her friends. I cherish my friends. They mean the world to me. My sister says oh so-and-so is a beyotch and the next day they are best friends. When will the madness end??

I saw my friend Kate today. Actually I should re-word that: Kate practically gave me a heart attack today. Literally, and you all know how bad my heart is. What a beyotch, but we are best friends (he he..sorry...). I went shopping with my mother (to buy my camping clothes) so we went to Campus Crew, no big deal right? Iwas lifting up a tee shirt and suddenly someone ran up to me, grabbed me around the waist, picked me up and yelled "ERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Very intense, I know. I lost my breath, and shakingly turned to see my friend Kate and her (now very hot) mother. I couldn't pull myself together, as I am a rather jumpy person. It was exciting, or could have been if I wasn't pre-cardiac arrested. We hugged for a few minutes and she showed me her 'Vogue' modeling pictures, and let me tell you, she is hot on film. We talked about this and that, and whatever. It was great. We are going out for our birthdays, contrary to me saying " oh no no, I am not celebrating this year." Kate gets me to do everything she wants though, so I think we are going out for drinks, and maybe some dancing. I will probably just sit and watch Kate dance. Anyways, I recovered. It took me forever to regain my sense of where I was. Mom and I sat down for a bit...

I read another book (yell at me I know, it isn't on my summer reading list). 'The Testament' by John Grisham. Wonderful, fabulous, intriguing. remind me never to name one of my children Libigail.Finis.
I don't feel like blogging. I feel like taking my book and going to the beach to read. I have this sense of wanting to be very alone for a very long time. I don't know if I am using the word 'very' for emphasis or if it is just my word of the day. Digression: Kindergarten is over, no more 'word of the day'.
Anyways, I feel like Jonah. I know what God wants for my life and I am running 'very' fast to try and get away from it, and now I find myself surrounded by (not whale blubber) but just not so good stuff. Jonah is not my favourite character in the Bible, but one I can relate to on a different level.
Ok, let's break it down: God said "Hey dude (Jonah), I want you to go to this really bad city Ninevah and tell them all about me." Jonah ran away.
Me: God is calling me to a holier walk with him. I know he wants me to do missions, and I also know that he wants me healthy. I mean what kind of God would want me sick. I know he didn't make me sick, because he has no sickness to give. And now I am running from Him, just like our little friend here Jonah. Dumb choice number(s) (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8) are the factors is my not wanting to serve God. I think what is really comes down to is fear. Jonah was afraid, was he not? I have this fear that I won't be able to serve God to the fullest and that I will let Him down. I feel like people wont take me seriously. That sounds stupid, eh? Anyways, so I feel a bit hopeful because Jonah made it in the end. *phew*
Jonah 2:1&2
"Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God out of the fish's belly,
And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice."

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Something Beautiful
this is so beautiful. It gave me warm fuzzies (don't ask why).

Laud, O Zion, your Salvation,
Laud with hymns of exultation,
Christ, your King and Shepherd true:
Bring Him all the praise you know,
He is more than you bestow.
Never can you reach His due.
Here beneath these signs are hidden
Priceless things to sense forbidden;
Signs, not things are all we see:
Blood is poured and Flesh is broken,
Yet in either wondrous token
Christ entire we know to be.
Very Bread, Good Shepherd, tend us,
Jesu, of Your love befriend us,
You refresh us, You defend us,
Your eternal goodness send us
In the land of life to see.
You who all things can and knowest,
Who on Earth such food bestowest,
Grant us with Your saints, though lowest,
Where the Heavenly feast You showest,
Fellow heirs and guests to be. Amen! Alleluia!

- St. Thomas Aquinas (1226-1274)
Another Day
There have been a lot of things going on in my world lately. Things that are good and bad, so it is a nice balance. I have had to make a few major decisions in the past couple of weeks that have are very hard to articulate, so I can't exactly share them. They are just "life decisions" that need to be dealt with. I remember when I graduated from high school someone gave me this book by James Dobson entitled "Life on the Edge" it is one of those books that tells you that you are at a pivotal point in life and everything you do from here could in some way determine your future. I read and re- read it. It was a good book in terms of quality and accuracy. By the time that I had read the book, I had already made some pretty stupid choices that I had/have to live with for the rest of my life. I was pretty mad after reading the book. Anyways, I just made one of those life desicions that I am pretty sure will affect a lot of areas of my life, and others lives as well. At the moment, I am sad about it. But I know that it will be a benefit in the future. There have been many factors that have lead up to this desicion including a semester of being sick and worried about my health. I spent many sleepless nights thinking about what I was going to do, and I sought out very Godly counsel. I hate my desicion but I know it is right for the time being. It is amazing how we find it in ourselves the strength to cling to God, even when we feel that we have no strength to stand. Please pray for me. I know that most of the people who read here are genuine Christians, and can understand the point where they just need God's (something, I don't know the word I am searching for).

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Blog #100
Whooopeee!! I made it. I know I know it took me long enough.
I have nothing profound to say on this favourable occasion. I was going to say auspicious, but that is one word that I could easily over use (it is my favourite word). Anyways, I thought I would share a few pictures.

A better photo :)


She smells of week old pacchouli oil, her hair a dreadful mess
Holding her bong
Completely unaware of her surroundings. She chokes on
the last bit of smoke.
Fingering her hemp and bead
Slowly she is taken away into a land where she belongs.
"paradissimo" she calls it in her half
unconscious state
The sound of the *dig and drum
beat in perfect 4/4 time. Steady and even. As the drum beat ends
she is thrown against the feet of the porcelain gods
on her knees
begging for a way out. Convulsing and heaving
with her head slamming against the base of the one who can
catch her mess
an eruption like a volcano surrounds her and
she is gone

*a digeridoo

Monday, June 14, 2004

Of Presidents and Good Literature
I know I am quite late in responding to the death of former President Ronald Reagan however, a photograph in my local newspaper inspired me to write my thoughts. Although I am not American I do have an appreciation and deep respect for the ones elected to sit in presidential office. I was just a small child during the whole of his presidency, and completely unaware of (well...anything). I think I may have been in grade one when he retired. However, he was still an influential figure in the American life, with his wife Nancy. hers is the said picture that was the inspiration for me to write. It is a large picture of her kissing the casket. I can't imagine her life now without the man who inspired Americans with such opitmism and decency. Those who came to mourn and celebrate this gentle life came armed with flowers and heart-felt tributes that spoke of reassuring remarks of a man so gentle and decent in his walk of life.
"Ronald Reagan belongs to the ages noww, but we preferred it when he belonged to us," President George W. Bush.
His wit was outstanding, especially prior to the failed assasination attempt for his and Nancy's life. It is noted that he hoped the assasin was Rebublicans and he apparently forgot to duck, or so his wife recalls. He is said to be one of the more non-political presidents, but one of the most influential. End.

And in other news. I have written a summary of my thoughts on Sons and Lovers by D. H lawrence. The underscoring theme throughout the whole book is the infamous Oedipus Rex Complex that Freud was so popular in creating. This is symbolic in the relationship between Paul Morel and his mother. Think of the relationship in "To the Lighthouse". The young male character hates his father and desires to murder him espcially when he is in contact with the mother. The mother/son relationship goes far beyond its relational bounds, and so it is with Paul and Mrs. Morel. Paul's life is devoted to his mother. He tells her in several accounts that he will never marry and will live with her forever. He grows from a young boy into manhood with the same desire to be with his mother.
Paul has a young love affair Miriam whom he conntects on a Platonic level, but she being the helpless romantic, desires that their relationship go further, thus binding Paul in a relationship with one-sided passion and confusion. Their friendship lasts for seven years and he feels that he owes her a marriage proposal, much against his mother's will. Miriam and Paul sleep together and decide that they love each other. This happens only once because of Miriam's upbringing. Her mother always told her that there was one thing in marriage that was dreadful, but she had to bear it. And so it was. A confused Paul decides to end their relationship and never see Miriam again. (You can just see the mother cheering in the background). This theme is evident throughout the entire book. Boys loves girl, mother hates girl and forces son to hate girl.
Despite this Freudian complex Paul kills his mother. He allows her to overdose on morphia.
Another theme, which is not so clear (but not so much an inference on my part) is the style of the language. It is very sexual when even describing the weather. At times the weather seems forceful and at other times the weather is a gentle breeze. Myabe it is not so much the language on it's own, but the natural surroundings working with it. The natual surroundings include even the gardens that Miriam and Paul often visit.
Sons and Lovers is not solely based on Lawrence's life, but is influenced by it to a certain literary degree. Meaning that we do write out of experiences, and it so happens that this book is very much like his own child-hood.
Gertrude Morel: Lydia Lawrence, the intellect, strong relatioship with sons, unhappy.
Walter Morel: Arthur Lawerence, miner, drunk
Bestwood: Lawrence's childhood town Eastwood
William Morel: Ernst, dying of erysipelas (some skin disease), engaged to Louisa Denys.
This is such a good book. It explores the new teachings of the day and the fascination with Freud and his company. I probably shouldn't have read the book five times. I am glad that I atleast read the book a second time. After going through it once I thought "why didn't Mrs. Morel have an affair with the man at the beginning of the book." The theme and main characters didn't even occur to me as being Paul and the Oedipus Rex complex.