Rhapsody in Black

Designed to Make You Feel Like the Sane One

Friday, March 05, 2004


I have been challenged to define what the word sexy actually means. I was reading my fellow band mate Scott's blog and he is writing an article for the crown about what the word actually means. It struck me as funny, why would someone want to know what that word meant, but as I thought about it further I realized the depth of it.
In our culture sexy means to be outrageously skinny, have awesome hair, sophistication, have a lot of money..etc...That may be true, but it is sad to think of the lengths people go to find themselves. I have never felt myself as being sexy. I have always been awkward in my own skin and just downright uncomfortable with how I am. I went through the list of things I hate about my looks (thin hair, big feet, cold eyes, long witchly fingers, no shoulders, stone face....etc) and that is when it hit me.......sexy is being comfortable with oneself. If you can feel at ease in your own skin. I am not sure that many people feel comfortable in their own skin. Sexuality and sexiness has been plastered over our media so strongly that it seems people don't even know who they are anymore. I can admit that I fell into that trap. I lost the sense of me and became very ill because of it. My obsession with weight was so overpowering that I lost myself.
I won't name names here but I have a few friends who are amazingly sexy. They may not be Julia Roberts, or Gwyneth Paltrows, but they are who they were created to be. They are natural beauties and just totally radiate. Their inner beauty outshines, and their outer beauty becomes more beautiful. They are sexy. When one has to change themselves to be beautiful it just creates a mask, and on the inside they do not feel how they are portrayed.
The cycle is sick. Anorexia, the world's best diet is sick. It is so deathly and I know, I was there, I am still there and "dying" to recover. It is so hard to recover the mistakes you've made in making yourself beautiful. It is hard being in a position of helplessness. I have watched and heard a lot of young girls say I want to look like so-and-so, that means I have to loose 20 pounds. Whenever I hear my sister's friends say that, or friends at work it breaks my heart.
Sexy is not being hooked up to multiple IV's being forced fed liquid food, not being able to fit into any clothing, or having it hang off you. Sexy is not throwing up in a toilet after eating a celery stick. It isn't having your organs malfunction because they are not getting any nutrients. Sexy is feeling authentically happy about who you are and how God has created you. That is so cliche, but it is so true. *sigh* I dont't think I made my point clear.