Rhapsody in Black

Designed to Make You Feel Like the Sane One

Saturday, November 13, 2004

What Was I Thinking?
I had a lazy day. Today I spent the day in my pyjammas and cleaned, actually gutted out my room. I put my hair up in a greasy ponytail and sprayed some gross La Senza perfume on so that I wouldn't offend the others. My mascara from the night before decided to place itself just slightly under my eyes (dumb move, I decided to wear waterproof mascara the day before because I knew I'd be bawling my eyes out- counldn't scrub it off my face last night). I looked beat up. Some of my mother's friends decided to show up at the house today. As I walk downstairs in a tank top and pj bottoms I am greated with a funny look and friendly hello from one of my mother's closest friends. That poor woman. Honestly I feel bad for her. She may need therapy after seeing me in this condition.
My room has been gutted. Every note, every letter recieved before 2001 has been trashed. Every picture has been sealed in a photo album. Every memory stashed in a new organized place. My closet is now considered a walk in closet rather than an open and run quickly away closet. If you have ever been in my room you will know it is a total reflection of me. It reveals my soul and everything I live for. All of my framed pictures have been neatly rearranged and my library alphabeticalized. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.
I went back to work last night to pick up my last pay cheque and hand in my swipe card. I sat and talked to a few of my closest work friends for a bit. It was one of the hardest things having to say good bye. This one ladt in particular I have gotten to know quite well. We would go on power walks during our lunch breaks. She called me her daughter; she only had a son. She cried when I left, I tried to hold in my tears, just so that I could be strong. My eyes just filled, but it didn't spill over. I hugged her and she wouldn't let go, she kissed my forehead, held my arm, kissed my cheek and then my hand. I wondered what was going through her mind, I have never seen her like that before. I touched her nose and told her I loved her. I went on to say good bye to Mel, my beloved work twin. The poor girl is so spastic, we get along so well. I even convinced her to hug me. Not that I am creepy or anything, she just never hugs anyone. I will most definitely be seeing her often. Saying good bye to Dee was almost the hardest thing. In that moment, all the tears I had been holding back suddenly spilled, I felt choked and I shook. I thought of moments I spent talking to Shar, and hearing what she had been through. I tried to catch my breath but the emotion overtook me. I put my head in my hands and wept. Reality had finally set in and my heart bled. I had to grip my thumb with my teeth to catch a steady breath. Holding Dee's hand I said I would walk through this with her to the end. She has no idea what is instore for her. Can anyone? She looked terrified, and gripped my hand tighter. I want to know why? I have questions and I am demanding answers. I want to know why things happen? Why innocent families have to be torn apart because of disease? Why we have to live with the hours after? Why we have to live with the terrifying minutes just before?
I have never lost a close family member in death, friends yes. I don't know how to articulate anything that would bring comfort or hope to those who do suffer. Unfortunate is the nicest way I can put it. it is unfortunate that Dee has to go through this. It is unfortunate that families have to deal with the hours. It is unfortunate that I am ignorant, and can't say anything else.
Four years of a developed companionship with some of the warmest people, and to say good bye on these terms? why?
Months of agonizing pain, and in one instant in the arms of Jesus? How can they cope?
I wish I had more to say, I wish I was in the position to help in a greater capacity. I wish I had to ability to answer the hard questions, ease the unbearable pain, soothe until calm. I wish the nightmare of cancer would cease and desist. I wish my friend hadn't suffered so greatly. I wish Dee wouldn't have to face this next year the way she will have to. What do I do? What can I say?

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